I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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