I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
