Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
