Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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