i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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