I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
