I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
