The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
