He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
