Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
you never un-have a 4some
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
