I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
