just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
