Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
When are your genitals available?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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