i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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