The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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