I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
