Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
