the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
