Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
