dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
