my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
