just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
