You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
