You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I AM VODKA MAN
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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