i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
