Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
