then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
