Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
