It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
