Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
