I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I am puke
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
