Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
