i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
