Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
