Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
