I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
