So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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