i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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