i will never coherently bang her
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
