I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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