His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
