I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
