Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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