Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
