i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
