so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
