4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
