Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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