My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
This is classic penis vs brain.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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