I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
